a broken heart

im not hurt because we did not work out. im hurt because i fell for someone who didnt exist. everything you told me was a lie. Your goals, your dreams, your feelings. The person you wished to be but were not. not because you cant but because you didnt want to. You lie about your life, the mirror in front is nothing but a reflection you see what you want to see. your not happy so you pretend and lie to the mirror to see twice of what you wish. Drinking your life away because you lack faith to change. i dont understand. Nothing in life can be worth not living. Everyone has problems, Everyone Cries, Everyone suffers pain is a minor step to happinesss. Im not perfect im everything but. Im not successful  but it dosent mean i cant be. But i never try to pretend to be something im not. NO MATTER WHAT IN "LOVE" THE PERSON WILL ACCEPT YOU HOW YOU ARE FAULTS AND ALL. A relationship is a commitment to help each other and make each other happy. best friends&lovers trust and faith in walking together to the best. holding each others hands to catch the other when they fall. Push them when they cant walk any longer. Encourage each other and be honest with each other to live a sincire life. Not living in a dream but a great reality you dreamed of.

in him

wont you stop pretending you care

and show me whats really there.

give me your heart and ill give you my all

tired of the lies tired of the games

tired of the hopes leaving me with every new guy

i dont want someone new every year just someone to stick around long enough 

to have a taste of love.

i know ive hurt alot of ppl. I know im no angel. 

and i deserve everything that comes my way. but when is the new day coming for me.

the new beggining the guy to really sit there and know me inside and out. 

share my dreams both pursue something together. work together to better ourselfs and move forward.

wont you stop telling me what you think i want to hear

wont you tell me what you feel whats your fears 

dont think so much dont try and figure me out.

get to know my inside and out.

accept me or hate me.

but dont play with me.

i almost gave you my heart.

but i gave you my trust.

believed everything you told me knowing it might not be the truth.

still trusting you i took your word. 

knowing i could end up hurt.

feeling agian like nothing i do is ever enough

am i doing too much.

waiting for you to respond.

and all you do is avoid it skip the situation and pretend everything is okay 

and ill ignore it and follow you. 

forgive you like nothing happend but you press repeat

and it happens almost every day of the week.

thought i was strong but i must of grown weak.

looking into your eyes falling into your lies.

hoping maybe you were the one for me.

telling you my whole life story.

something not alot of ppl know. 

bringing you around my family something i never do.

how stupid could i be to not see...

you are hiding something from me.

not giving in to me..

you hurt me boy.. or i hurt myself 

 knowing you werent real witj me

transition

I am the gypsy. 

Never one place too long.

New stories and experiences to follow. I always learn something new. I see how hurtful i can be. and how hurtful others can be. as well as deceiving. I am not mad at anyone. Ive made my mistakes and i know what comes to me i deserve. Ive hurt Ive loved. Im human.

No i will not condemn myself to live a life of pain. Yes i will do something with myself. And i will prove all my doubters wrong. I have more heart than most  

Cursed

he tells me to take "idk" out of my vocabulary. but everythings such a blur. i cant see things clearly. maybe i am a lil crazy. i wish things were all good but i seem to make em turn. who knows how many lives ive ruined. including my own loosing my own person to know who knows what ive become. asking me my interests to learn i have none. asking me my accomplishments to see ive only failed. Hurt those Ive come across. nothing to be proud of. No memories to recall a spark of happiness. only the loneliness ive born to myself. a cold heart and selfish acts. Lying to myself saying ima help someone one day. Do something memorable and only cause damage. only hope to be become hopeless. 
cry an endless river and hope the pain floats away. I know what ive done and who ive hurt. he says dont be too hard on urself. but what about those whos hurt ive caused. 
eyes of the one child i love.
blank.
hurt. 
for someone who dosent matter. 
Whats happening to me.
Why do i do the things i do.
Why cant i learn.
so much hate. and shame ive brought to myself. 
and maybe those ive hurt can forgive me but i havent forgiven myself.




I had a dream last night. 
Where my old friend and me got in a fight. i won.
felt bad went back put my hands behind my back and asked her to strike. 
and she wouldnt. she only cried.

i sit here acting like the victim 
bt im the hit and run
i hit them with pain and never return to fix it.
"no puedo dar la cara"


tattoos matching other ppls 
i cant even try to forget 
i look at myself and see myself with them


remember everything
from years before and what could of happend after.


and everything ive passed through i only blame myself. 
i chose my life. 
what ive done. and what i am trying to do.


and "idk" is all i know to say.
idk how to feel
idk how to think
idk how to speak
what to say 
how to act
how to respond 
be funny 
and understand what others are telling me


im lost. im nothing
no interests no hobbies.
hoping to live this life away
live subconsciously not knowing anything

wishing only to run never stay one place too long.
meet new faces 
that will only make more tears. 
create more pain more hate.
 ya maybe im over exaggerating.  
but this is my every day.
thinking feeling 
two things that dont mix.


ive born a curse to myself.
a cold heart with so much love.
but it wont come out right. 
ive bought my friendships.
ive tricked my relationships
lied my way to lust
never really found love.


gueess it was all the times i got taken advantage of.
theres a button the wont turn off
when i hit a certain spot with someone.
the switch goes on and im gone.
feelings totally dismissed.
this is my "relationships"


my friendships.
were more complicated. 
idk why things here went wrong. 
my friends were like family.
and this was my fault.
i hurt those i love.
maybe its the switch.
it secretly goes off.


idk whats wrong with me.
how to fix it.
i refuse help.
its the curse i place on myself.





god please save me

im helpless hopeless reckless loveless restless 
stuck in darkness loneliness hardships 
no friendships relationships
im tired of this.

I surrender

 Lord I surrender myself.
I can not live this life thinking the way I do.
My hair is falling out taking in my own stress and of those who surround me.
Shedding tears for people who wont.
Caring for people who dont.
Too lazy to pray every night only when things go right.
I surrender.
On my knees I'm crying asking for the strength, wisdom, faith.
Take me where you must.
Nothing will exist outside of you.
give me the voice and tools to preach outside my capabilites.
give me courage to stand against the enemies who seek to hurt me.
I know who i am and what ive done.
i am no Hippocrate.
i am a sinner with remorse.
I am the girl who cries in church.
Thankful for the fogiveness you have for me.
YOU accept me when others reject me.
You judge me too justly when i plead guilty.
TE AMO DIOS
con todo mi alma y corazon.
tu me daz la felicidad que no merezco.
SHOW ME THE WAY TO LIVE.
Kill the nightmares that follow me.
Guide me to the righteousness.
Teach me to Forgive myself.
"JESUS, I TRUST IN YOU"

just like Mary Magdalen,
I am the prostitute.
And only you love me.
You are my only salvation.
GRACIAS DIOS.

y te ruego siempre senor por ellos que no saben
de lo mal que hacen. por lsus pecados que. que no tienen muerte.
por el perdon de la ignorancia. por la tentacion.
por estar ciegos del verdadero amor tuyo.
y por esta guerra contra los demonios.
salir victorosios contigo y salvar las tantas almas mas que se pueda.
te pido por mis enemigos amigos familia y desconocidos.
por todas la religiones. por los que no creen y los que te tienen reincorr.
por el odio volverce amor.
y por mi.
la prostituta.
la pecadora.
salvame.
y departa estos demonios que me attackan
diendo me miedo.
dame de ti.
te lo pido senor
y virgen maria que rueges por nosotros.
y san jose foster father de jesus ruege por nosotros.
santo angel de la guardia ruege y cuide nos.
jesus. te ruego por nosotros.
senor dios tu padre mi padre.
que nos salve.

SEX

I know boys are very much mistaken to believe that girls love sex as much as them && even though this may be true in some ways id like to disagree.

I believe boys love sex way more than girls.

Why?

I come to believe that a girl [not a woman] loves the feelings associated with sex or accompanied by sex. Which includes the feeling of comfort. the kisses the feeling of being needed or liked. Being fed a bunch of lies that at the moment just like sex seems like the best thing. the best feeling of comfort or security even acceptance from the other sex if low self esteem is an issue. But the next day when they stop texting or they only hit you up at night. the feeling of being used and taken for granted blooms.

but yet continue to have sex with that person because it is the only connection or thing in common they have "the like of sex"

For example. the girl that every guy will sex but will never claim as a girlfriend is the HOE. "Good enough to fuck but not wifey material" but that girl isnt fucking everyone because she wants to be a hoe. Shes looking for acceptance and as she goes on she realizes whats shes done what shes lost. respect from then and for herself yet she continues because "she dosent give a fuck what a hater gotta say"

but someone tell that "HOE" you love her..She will never be that "HOE" again.

Ive witnessed it happen more than once. and i hate the phrase "YOU CANT TURN A HOE INTO A HOUSEWIFE"

but that "wifey" you got in your kitchen has a dirty secret slate you know nothing about.
how many guys shes DONE. is 5 times whatever she told you.
just because its not in the open and ppl didnt talk about her dosent mean it isnt true.

and yes she might of been a hoe. but the past and past decisions dont make a person.
It only makes a lesson learned.
Just like everyone should learn to accept their own faults, and others.
Stop pointing fingers. Stop judging one another.
Because an eye for an eye makes the world blind. <3
now aint that a shame.

REAL EYES REALIZE REAL LIES
REAL RECOGNIZE REAL

you have no idea.

look in the mirror have a clean slate admit all your mistakes.
learn to forgive. learn to love.
learn from others.

speechless dosent mean i have nothing on my mind.

"Waking up to the family you always wish you had would be the miracle of a million. 
God doesn't give us the family we want, but the family we need and deserve one to grow with and learn to love accept all the faults forgive all the wrongs understand not everything goes right. And when life takes a wrong turn they will always be there no mistake. No friend have i seen has lasted longer. even when friendships die its because we've grown apart and made our own family or life." 

Face the facts, close your eyes you'll see clearer
close your ears and listen to your thoughts receive not more opinions to clutter in your head
make nonsense and confusion if not already.
open your mouth and speak from the heart.
and speak to the one who knows all.
Pray and pain will disappear.
 i cant promise it wont return.
but when its does rinse and repeat.
and it will be fixed not instantly
patience is a virtue.


looking at the innocence return to their eyes with age is a blessing to see.
Looking at my mother like a child
Father like a child
Im growing but i will be a kid again.
Grow learn pain age age age then never worry again.
God makes this possible.
Its true the eyes are the windows to the soul.
Everything is revealed and can not be hidden behind a fake smile.
The innocence i see.. i see in your [eyes.]
The pain i see i see in your  [eyes]
The hate i seen in some [eyes]
deceit always noticed in [eyes]
eyes do not lie.

and in their eyes i see innocence, forgiveness, sacrifice, love.

clean your windows and see clear. instead of windex us common sense.
dont think, feel, then you will understand what i am trying to say.
eyes dont lie. people do.
prayers never fail, people have.
god never abandons, people do. [family stays]

FYI: Marriage is a love and love is sacrifice.
GOD SACRIFICED HIS ONLY SON BECAUSE HE LOVES US.


and no i am not the smartest or the wisest Ive made a list of mistakes with more to come.
opinions take it or leave it. they are only words. words felt not thought. .
legit.. because its common sense.

but then again i am still a kid i still got alot more to live.

But carry your cross[your problems] do as JESUS did
Stay strong, Your never alone god is only a prayer away.

Love and Hate

Love is said to be an emotion or affection for someone or something that can lead to obsession but what about hate? I would easily argue to say they both are very much alike they go hand in hand. Both can make or break you. Both feelings are difficult to comprehend. The desire to hurt someone or to please them with your everything. The  good and evil that take over our emotions. Somehow prove to be more than emotions with the outcomes. Both able to create life or death even insanity (a life worth not living). Emotions may cause this yes but love and hate are both the positive and negative peaks of emotions. I am no psychologist I only observe and take in personal experiences of myself and others who have surrounded me. 

Love the mystical (thing) everyone will die to find or try to understand. Searching within everything. Boys, drugs, sex, parties, almost replacing the love that was already born to us. Our creation was made to love all living things: plants, animals, and the people around us. Even a commandment to love those who hurt us. Turning into my next point. Hate is the feeling turned to those who have done us harm. Maybe born from loving them so much and not getting it in return or the feeling of destroy.  Loving them and being returned with pain. Love breeds Hate, but hate will never breed love. 

Once Hate is reached there is no return. ONLY FORGIVENESS will break Hate, but because forgiveness is LOVE.

Shown to us by Jesus who sacrificed himself on the cross for OUR FORGIVENESS with the LOVE he has for US. 

I know i might sound a lil corny, quoting the bible and dealing with the thing that makes the world go round and that gives us life. If you think about it.. when love is talked about you always see a [ <3 heart]. The one thing a human can not live without.  You can live without your tonsils, toes, fingers, eyes, ears, almost anything even be brain dead but living sleeping without thinking only a beating heart.

So maybe if i lost you with all my blabbering let me clarify what I am trying to say.. Love and hate are the same because hate is love thats been destroyed. 

Hate can be for the world after one person you loved hurt that love. You will hate that person and more. Be more self conscience because love made you...and you were not strong enough keep it safe. But just because you lost love and became weak does not mean strength is impossible. 

Everything happens for reason. 

TO ENTER HEAVEN WE MUST HAVE A HUMBLE AND SOFT HEART. LEARN TO LOVE EVERYONE. 

AND LOVE IS TO FORGIVE AS WE ARE FORGIVEN. 

IN ORDER TO FORGIVE THERE MUST BE PAIN TO FORGIVE. 

PAIN CAUSED BY HURT

HURT CAUSED BY LOVE BEING HURT. BEING HATE.

HATE MAY ONLY BE A STAGE.. BUT LEARN TO CHANGE.

STAY NOT TOO LONG IN THIS PLACE.. 

LEARN TO FORGIVE TO MOVE ALONG. 

TO LOVE AGAIN AND LIVE FOREVER. 

SMILE AND FROWN 

LOOK DOWN BUT DONT FORGET TO LOOK UP.

HEAVEN IS IN THE SKY. SO THERE AWAITS OUR HAPPINESS. 

LOOK UP BE STRONG. LOVE AGAIN. FORGIVE. 

WE ARE ONLY HUMAN.

To my last friend.

So I woke up realizing why I haven't been in the greatest of moods lately. Could be a lot of things. Including missing my mom and my old life. I realize I do have a huge problem with change. I always re track my memories and wish I could stop the clock and return for a vacation come back and continue my present life. I miss high school the people in it and the life I had. The incredible teachers I took for granted. The friends I had and incredible life I had. Guess its my stubbornness and wild spirit that sent me to a crazy life. I can vaguely remember really why I chose to do the things I did. However, reminiscing on my memories hasn't helped me move on. Not only that but the recent has really bummed me down. Leaving the friends I had to have zero friends. Feel like the world hates me for my decisions. Thinking how could the friends I had turn on me so easily,after everything. All the trips, the mishaps, fights, tears, and wild partying.[woohoo] I realize I didnt make the smartest of smart decisions to just get up and leave. But the life I was living was destroying me inside. Doing things that No one should have to do. Dealing with emotions that make me wanna self destruct. Outside I am pretty collective; I try. But when I'm alone I can sit there and cry for hours. Cry myself to sleep so when you arrive I rather have you think of me as lazy. Not ask me whats wrong because my answer would make me pitiful. I need no ones pity. I done the things I've done trying to get along. But living my whole live "gettting along" is not how I want to live my life. I want to make myself something to be proud of. Money only makes the world go round. But in that same manner as it creates it can destroy. Seen the girls who do whats left to get it. Shedding tears to make it. I don't want to be that girl. Just to be called INDEPENDENT. Have the glamour, the guys, money, freedom, to be admired for something that isnt real. I rather have nothing and be someone who is loved by those who really matter. [You my friend I wish you out of that life, we brainwashed ourself to believe do what we gotta do. But you have something valuable. I only dragged you down with me. That is why I left you. To hope you would leave it too. Hate me but I only care. A bad credit name can be repaired but emotional trauma takes a while. You remember the last thing I did. I did for you. So we could drive for some lame guy that wasn't worth it. I never threw it in your face. But the money I did make that was supposed to go to rent went to our trip.I really didn't care spending the money. But how I got it and talked to you about it. You were so normal I was destroyed. You were more mad because we were running late. I guess its what I deserve I mean I have nothing to offer but feelings. Good advice. Just after that you really made me think twice. Ive made my mistakes don't get me wrong. I can go on and on its just that long. Bt never would I would of allowed you to do the farthest Ive done. And if it happened be there to comfort you even if you didnt seem like you needed it. ] Hanging with ugly fat guys, ugly old men just because they had the money to support me. But how long can I pull that off until they want more. Take me for a whore. Refuse say no and start all over again with a new guy. That wont last long. I'm sorry I wasn't stable enough to get on my two feet alone. I swear if i knew how and the resources I would. But "needing" you I know I couldn't you have your own life and things to do. I guess I'm just finally  letting it out I wish I could tell you to your face. But I don't want to make it seem like I'm making excuses for myself. But this is my reason and even if you may never know it this is it. You might continue on thinking your reasons and hating me maybe not even  caring. I honestly don't know. But finally these hurt feelings I'm letting go.  And i wish you the best in everything you do. and your family too. 

"EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.PEOPLE CHANGE SO THAT YOU CAN LEARN TO LET GO.THINGS GO WRONG SO THAT YOU APPRECIATE THEM WHEN THEY'RE RIGHT.YOU BELIEVE LIES SO YOU EVENTUALLY LEARN TO TRUST NO ONE BUT YOURSELF.AND SOMETIMES GOOD THINGS FALL APART SO BETTER THINGS COME TOGETHER." <3"

GOODBYE HURT HELLO NEW

Question

Ever since she was a preschooler. Always the urge to sing. Sitting in the corner with her CD player singing her lungs out. Imagining she was performing.The lights, the audience, dancing in her music video. The fantasy always being interrupted by doubt. A little voice saying its not real. Do something "real". Be a doctor or a teacher. 

Each time making her think she wasn't good enough she had no talent. 

Wondering Why are the people on t.v able to be where they are now.

Whats so special about them when 

they sing nonsense yet have all the fame. 

Why me who has something great to say not able. 

Why do I have to be a doctor. 

Why must I be categorized normal. 

Why always must I do what I'm told 

and be expected to be happy. 

What happened to Destiny?

Whats my path. Doesn't my past help guide me. 

Go through the mud to reach the castle.

Battle the dragons to be the knight. 

I been through it whats next.

Fight to Lose 

Suffer to Never be Happy

Dream so they can fade and never come again.

Be broken tamed, because its safe.

Why Can that "who" not be me and the "what i need" be my dream. 

  

Hello Sunshine

Waking up to another Day.
Same voices Same dreams I wake up to the Same.

Looking out my window debating my next step. After the fight I don't know whats next.
My thoughts are becoming a war in my head. I don 't know what to believe. What to think.
Its all becoming a clutter.
I Don't want to do whats told I wish i could take off this blind fold
 see to see whats to be seen.
I wish I was a bird to start at a nest then fly away make the world my home.
Never a place to stay too long. Stay and hurt those who come along.
Never attached no feelings latched. Small brain Wings are my heart.
Fly far into the sky watch the things below me.
but never too close because I carry disease.
Not a pigeon No.
More like a Dove. Sacred and Rare. Admired from afar but still taken for granted.
When hurt the animal shelters say to discard.


"The Dove represents the wayfarer of the sky, a being who though it belongs to the earth is capable of dwelling in the skies. The former explanation of the bird represents the idea of a soul whose dwelling place is heaven, and the latter represents the dweller on earth being able to move about in the higher spheres; and both these explanations give the idea that the spiritual man, dwelling on the earth, is from heaven. They also explain that the spiritual man is the inhabitant of the heavens and is only dwelling on earth for a while. "

If I were the bird. I would be happy.

a trip

My body remains as my mind wanders.

Always different places same faces

never distant from the pain that follows.

Not knowing its purpose

but present it always is.

Everyone thinking this pretty face should be the happiest. But behind the fake smile shes crying.

Afraid to show emotion and be taken as weak.
Being strong is the only thing that kept her moving along.
Running from place to place trying to find the thing they call happiness.
another loss at hide and seek. she sought but did not find.
not yet. maybe its not on this planet.
hope that it awaits in the sky. The place they call heaven.
Because on Earth she finds nothing but dirt.
Truth:Pain does breed strength
&& god does test our strength to pass through the gates.
But alone I can not.
no longer do i want to walk alone.
Running everywhere. Doing everything.
You name it. Ive done it. Sin to a good deed.
Whats next.
Wheres my next trip?
Do i stay do something normal?
Or go again and  catch my dream?
Is it my dream or the dream the world pitches me?
What is my existence?

I am the runaway.
Where will she go.