So I woke up realizing why I haven't been in the greatest of moods lately. Could be a lot of things. Including missing my mom and my old life. I realize I do have a huge problem with change. I always re track my memories and wish I could stop the clock and return for a vacation come back and continue my present life. I miss high school the people in it and the life I had. The incredible teachers I took for granted. The friends I had and incredible life I had. Guess its my stubbornness and wild spirit that sent me to a crazy life. I can vaguely remember really why I chose to do the things I did. However, reminiscing on my memories hasn't helped me move on. Not only that but the recent has really bummed me down. Leaving the friends I had to have zero friends. Feel like the world hates me for my decisions. Thinking how could the friends I had turn on me so easily,after everything. All the trips, the mishaps, fights, tears, and wild partying.[woohoo] I realize I didnt make the smartest of smart decisions to just get up and leave. But the life I was living was destroying me inside. Doing things that No one should have to do. Dealing with emotions that make me wanna self destruct. Outside I am pretty collective; I try. But when I'm alone I can sit there and cry for hours. Cry myself to sleep so when you arrive I rather have you think of me as lazy. Not ask me whats wrong because my answer would make me pitiful. I need no ones pity. I done the things I've done trying to get along. But living my whole live "gettting along" is not how I want to live my life. I want to make myself something to be proud of. Money only makes the world go round. But in that same manner as it creates it can destroy. Seen the girls who do whats left to get it. Shedding tears to make it. I don't want to be that girl. Just to be called INDEPENDENT. Have the glamour, the guys, money, freedom, to be admired for something that isnt real. I rather have nothing and be someone who is loved by those who really matter. [You my friend I wish you out of that life, we brainwashed ourself to believe do what we gotta do. But you have something valuable. I only dragged you down with me. That is why I left you. To hope you would leave it too. Hate me but I only care. A bad credit name can be repaired but emotional trauma takes a while. You remember the last thing I did. I did for you. So we could drive for some lame guy that wasn't worth it. I never threw it in your face. But the money I did make that was supposed to go to rent went to our trip.I really didn't care spending the money. But how I got it and talked to you about it. You were so normal I was destroyed. You were more mad because we were running late. I guess its what I deserve I mean I have nothing to offer but feelings. Good advice. Just after that you really made me think twice. Ive made my mistakes don't get me wrong. I can go on and on its just that long. Bt never would I would of allowed you to do the farthest Ive done. And if it happened be there to comfort you even if you didnt seem like you needed it. ] Hanging with ugly fat guys, ugly old men just because they had the money to support me. But how long can I pull that off until they want more. Take me for a whore. Refuse say no and start all over again with a new guy. That wont last long. I'm sorry I wasn't stable enough to get on my two feet alone. I swear if i knew how and the resources I would. But "needing" you I know I couldn't you have your own life and things to do. I guess I'm just finally letting it out I wish I could tell you to your face. But I don't want to make it seem like I'm making excuses for myself. But this is my reason and even if you may never know it this is it. You might continue on thinking your reasons and hating me maybe not even caring. I honestly don't know. But finally these hurt feelings I'm letting go. And i wish you the best in everything you do. and your family too.
"EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.PEOPLE CHANGE SO THAT YOU CAN LEARN TO LET GO.THINGS GO WRONG SO THAT YOU APPRECIATE THEM WHEN THEY'RE RIGHT.YOU BELIEVE LIES SO YOU EVENTUALLY LEARN TO TRUST NO ONE BUT YOURSELF.AND SOMETIMES GOOD THINGS FALL APART SO BETTER THINGS COME TOGETHER." <3"
GOODBYE HURT HELLO NEW
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