he tells me to take "idk" out of my vocabulary. but everythings such a blur. i cant see things clearly. maybe i am a lil crazy. i wish things were all good but i seem to make em turn. who knows how many lives ive ruined. including my own loosing my own person to know who knows what ive become. asking me my interests to learn i have none. asking me my accomplishments to see ive only failed. Hurt those Ive come across. nothing to be proud of. No memories to recall a spark of happiness. only the loneliness ive born to myself. a cold heart and selfish acts. Lying to myself saying ima help someone one day. Do something memorable and only cause damage. only hope to be become hopeless.
cry an endless river and hope the pain floats away. I know what ive done and who ive hurt. he says dont be too hard on urself. but what about those whos hurt ive caused.
eyes of the one child i love.
blank.
hurt.
for someone who dosent matter.
Whats happening to me.
Why do i do the things i do.
Why cant i learn.
so much hate. and shame ive brought to myself.
and maybe those ive hurt can forgive me but i havent forgiven myself.
I had a dream last night.
Where my old friend and me got in a fight. i won.
felt bad went back put my hands behind my back and asked her to strike.
and she wouldnt. she only cried.
i sit here acting like the victim
bt im the hit and run
i hit them with pain and never return to fix it.
"no puedo dar la cara"
tattoos matching other ppls
i cant even try to forget
i look at myself and see myself with them
remember everything
from years before and what could of happend after.
and everything ive passed through i only blame myself.
i chose my life.
what ive done. and what i am trying to do.
and "idk" is all i know to say.
idk how to feel
idk how to think
idk how to speak
what to say
how to act
how to respond
be funny
and understand what others are telling me
im lost. im nothing
no interests no hobbies.
hoping to live this life away
live subconsciously not knowing anything
wishing only to run never stay one place too long.
meet new faces
that will only make more tears.
create more pain more hate.
ya maybe im over exaggerating.
but this is my every day.
thinking feeling
two things that dont mix.
ive born a curse to myself.
a cold heart with so much love.
but it wont come out right.
ive bought my friendships.
ive tricked my relationships
lied my way to lust
never really found love.
gueess it was all the times i got taken advantage of.
theres a button the wont turn off
when i hit a certain spot with someone.
the switch goes on and im gone.
feelings totally dismissed.
this is my "relationships"
my friendships.
were more complicated.
idk why things here went wrong.
my friends were like family.
and this was my fault.
i hurt those i love.
maybe its the switch.
it secretly goes off.
idk whats wrong with me.
how to fix it.
i refuse help.
its the curse i place on myself.
god please save me
stuck in darkness loneliness hardships
no friendships relationships
im tired of this.
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