speechless dosent mean i have nothing on my mind.

"Waking up to the family you always wish you had would be the miracle of a million. 
God doesn't give us the family we want, but the family we need and deserve one to grow with and learn to love accept all the faults forgive all the wrongs understand not everything goes right. And when life takes a wrong turn they will always be there no mistake. No friend have i seen has lasted longer. even when friendships die its because we've grown apart and made our own family or life." 

Face the facts, close your eyes you'll see clearer
close your ears and listen to your thoughts receive not more opinions to clutter in your head
make nonsense and confusion if not already.
open your mouth and speak from the heart.
and speak to the one who knows all.
Pray and pain will disappear.
 i cant promise it wont return.
but when its does rinse and repeat.
and it will be fixed not instantly
patience is a virtue.


looking at the innocence return to their eyes with age is a blessing to see.
Looking at my mother like a child
Father like a child
Im growing but i will be a kid again.
Grow learn pain age age age then never worry again.
God makes this possible.
Its true the eyes are the windows to the soul.
Everything is revealed and can not be hidden behind a fake smile.
The innocence i see.. i see in your [eyes.]
The pain i see i see in your  [eyes]
The hate i seen in some [eyes]
deceit always noticed in [eyes]
eyes do not lie.

and in their eyes i see innocence, forgiveness, sacrifice, love.

clean your windows and see clear. instead of windex us common sense.
dont think, feel, then you will understand what i am trying to say.
eyes dont lie. people do.
prayers never fail, people have.
god never abandons, people do. [family stays]

FYI: Marriage is a love and love is sacrifice.
GOD SACRIFICED HIS ONLY SON BECAUSE HE LOVES US.


and no i am not the smartest or the wisest Ive made a list of mistakes with more to come.
opinions take it or leave it. they are only words. words felt not thought. .
legit.. because its common sense.

but then again i am still a kid i still got alot more to live.

But carry your cross[your problems] do as JESUS did
Stay strong, Your never alone god is only a prayer away.

Love and Hate

Love is said to be an emotion or affection for someone or something that can lead to obsession but what about hate? I would easily argue to say they both are very much alike they go hand in hand. Both can make or break you. Both feelings are difficult to comprehend. The desire to hurt someone or to please them with your everything. The  good and evil that take over our emotions. Somehow prove to be more than emotions with the outcomes. Both able to create life or death even insanity (a life worth not living). Emotions may cause this yes but love and hate are both the positive and negative peaks of emotions. I am no psychologist I only observe and take in personal experiences of myself and others who have surrounded me. 

Love the mystical (thing) everyone will die to find or try to understand. Searching within everything. Boys, drugs, sex, parties, almost replacing the love that was already born to us. Our creation was made to love all living things: plants, animals, and the people around us. Even a commandment to love those who hurt us. Turning into my next point. Hate is the feeling turned to those who have done us harm. Maybe born from loving them so much and not getting it in return or the feeling of destroy.  Loving them and being returned with pain. Love breeds Hate, but hate will never breed love. 

Once Hate is reached there is no return. ONLY FORGIVENESS will break Hate, but because forgiveness is LOVE.

Shown to us by Jesus who sacrificed himself on the cross for OUR FORGIVENESS with the LOVE he has for US. 

I know i might sound a lil corny, quoting the bible and dealing with the thing that makes the world go round and that gives us life. If you think about it.. when love is talked about you always see a [ <3 heart]. The one thing a human can not live without.  You can live without your tonsils, toes, fingers, eyes, ears, almost anything even be brain dead but living sleeping without thinking only a beating heart.

So maybe if i lost you with all my blabbering let me clarify what I am trying to say.. Love and hate are the same because hate is love thats been destroyed. 

Hate can be for the world after one person you loved hurt that love. You will hate that person and more. Be more self conscience because love made you...and you were not strong enough keep it safe. But just because you lost love and became weak does not mean strength is impossible. 

Everything happens for reason. 

TO ENTER HEAVEN WE MUST HAVE A HUMBLE AND SOFT HEART. LEARN TO LOVE EVERYONE. 

AND LOVE IS TO FORGIVE AS WE ARE FORGIVEN. 

IN ORDER TO FORGIVE THERE MUST BE PAIN TO FORGIVE. 

PAIN CAUSED BY HURT

HURT CAUSED BY LOVE BEING HURT. BEING HATE.

HATE MAY ONLY BE A STAGE.. BUT LEARN TO CHANGE.

STAY NOT TOO LONG IN THIS PLACE.. 

LEARN TO FORGIVE TO MOVE ALONG. 

TO LOVE AGAIN AND LIVE FOREVER. 

SMILE AND FROWN 

LOOK DOWN BUT DONT FORGET TO LOOK UP.

HEAVEN IS IN THE SKY. SO THERE AWAITS OUR HAPPINESS. 

LOOK UP BE STRONG. LOVE AGAIN. FORGIVE. 

WE ARE ONLY HUMAN.

To my last friend.

So I woke up realizing why I haven't been in the greatest of moods lately. Could be a lot of things. Including missing my mom and my old life. I realize I do have a huge problem with change. I always re track my memories and wish I could stop the clock and return for a vacation come back and continue my present life. I miss high school the people in it and the life I had. The incredible teachers I took for granted. The friends I had and incredible life I had. Guess its my stubbornness and wild spirit that sent me to a crazy life. I can vaguely remember really why I chose to do the things I did. However, reminiscing on my memories hasn't helped me move on. Not only that but the recent has really bummed me down. Leaving the friends I had to have zero friends. Feel like the world hates me for my decisions. Thinking how could the friends I had turn on me so easily,after everything. All the trips, the mishaps, fights, tears, and wild partying.[woohoo] I realize I didnt make the smartest of smart decisions to just get up and leave. But the life I was living was destroying me inside. Doing things that No one should have to do. Dealing with emotions that make me wanna self destruct. Outside I am pretty collective; I try. But when I'm alone I can sit there and cry for hours. Cry myself to sleep so when you arrive I rather have you think of me as lazy. Not ask me whats wrong because my answer would make me pitiful. I need no ones pity. I done the things I've done trying to get along. But living my whole live "gettting along" is not how I want to live my life. I want to make myself something to be proud of. Money only makes the world go round. But in that same manner as it creates it can destroy. Seen the girls who do whats left to get it. Shedding tears to make it. I don't want to be that girl. Just to be called INDEPENDENT. Have the glamour, the guys, money, freedom, to be admired for something that isnt real. I rather have nothing and be someone who is loved by those who really matter. [You my friend I wish you out of that life, we brainwashed ourself to believe do what we gotta do. But you have something valuable. I only dragged you down with me. That is why I left you. To hope you would leave it too. Hate me but I only care. A bad credit name can be repaired but emotional trauma takes a while. You remember the last thing I did. I did for you. So we could drive for some lame guy that wasn't worth it. I never threw it in your face. But the money I did make that was supposed to go to rent went to our trip.I really didn't care spending the money. But how I got it and talked to you about it. You were so normal I was destroyed. You were more mad because we were running late. I guess its what I deserve I mean I have nothing to offer but feelings. Good advice. Just after that you really made me think twice. Ive made my mistakes don't get me wrong. I can go on and on its just that long. Bt never would I would of allowed you to do the farthest Ive done. And if it happened be there to comfort you even if you didnt seem like you needed it. ] Hanging with ugly fat guys, ugly old men just because they had the money to support me. But how long can I pull that off until they want more. Take me for a whore. Refuse say no and start all over again with a new guy. That wont last long. I'm sorry I wasn't stable enough to get on my two feet alone. I swear if i knew how and the resources I would. But "needing" you I know I couldn't you have your own life and things to do. I guess I'm just finally  letting it out I wish I could tell you to your face. But I don't want to make it seem like I'm making excuses for myself. But this is my reason and even if you may never know it this is it. You might continue on thinking your reasons and hating me maybe not even  caring. I honestly don't know. But finally these hurt feelings I'm letting go.  And i wish you the best in everything you do. and your family too. 

"EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.PEOPLE CHANGE SO THAT YOU CAN LEARN TO LET GO.THINGS GO WRONG SO THAT YOU APPRECIATE THEM WHEN THEY'RE RIGHT.YOU BELIEVE LIES SO YOU EVENTUALLY LEARN TO TRUST NO ONE BUT YOURSELF.AND SOMETIMES GOOD THINGS FALL APART SO BETTER THINGS COME TOGETHER." <3"

GOODBYE HURT HELLO NEW

Question

Ever since she was a preschooler. Always the urge to sing. Sitting in the corner with her CD player singing her lungs out. Imagining she was performing.The lights, the audience, dancing in her music video. The fantasy always being interrupted by doubt. A little voice saying its not real. Do something "real". Be a doctor or a teacher. 

Each time making her think she wasn't good enough she had no talent. 

Wondering Why are the people on t.v able to be where they are now.

Whats so special about them when 

they sing nonsense yet have all the fame. 

Why me who has something great to say not able. 

Why do I have to be a doctor. 

Why must I be categorized normal. 

Why always must I do what I'm told 

and be expected to be happy. 

What happened to Destiny?

Whats my path. Doesn't my past help guide me. 

Go through the mud to reach the castle.

Battle the dragons to be the knight. 

I been through it whats next.

Fight to Lose 

Suffer to Never be Happy

Dream so they can fade and never come again.

Be broken tamed, because its safe.

Why Can that "who" not be me and the "what i need" be my dream. 

  

Hello Sunshine

Waking up to another Day.
Same voices Same dreams I wake up to the Same.

Looking out my window debating my next step. After the fight I don't know whats next.
My thoughts are becoming a war in my head. I don 't know what to believe. What to think.
Its all becoming a clutter.
I Don't want to do whats told I wish i could take off this blind fold
 see to see whats to be seen.
I wish I was a bird to start at a nest then fly away make the world my home.
Never a place to stay too long. Stay and hurt those who come along.
Never attached no feelings latched. Small brain Wings are my heart.
Fly far into the sky watch the things below me.
but never too close because I carry disease.
Not a pigeon No.
More like a Dove. Sacred and Rare. Admired from afar but still taken for granted.
When hurt the animal shelters say to discard.


"The Dove represents the wayfarer of the sky, a being who though it belongs to the earth is capable of dwelling in the skies. The former explanation of the bird represents the idea of a soul whose dwelling place is heaven, and the latter represents the dweller on earth being able to move about in the higher spheres; and both these explanations give the idea that the spiritual man, dwelling on the earth, is from heaven. They also explain that the spiritual man is the inhabitant of the heavens and is only dwelling on earth for a while. "

If I were the bird. I would be happy.

a trip

My body remains as my mind wanders.

Always different places same faces

never distant from the pain that follows.

Not knowing its purpose

but present it always is.

Everyone thinking this pretty face should be the happiest. But behind the fake smile shes crying.

Afraid to show emotion and be taken as weak.
Being strong is the only thing that kept her moving along.
Running from place to place trying to find the thing they call happiness.
another loss at hide and seek. she sought but did not find.
not yet. maybe its not on this planet.
hope that it awaits in the sky. The place they call heaven.
Because on Earth she finds nothing but dirt.
Truth:Pain does breed strength
&& god does test our strength to pass through the gates.
But alone I can not.
no longer do i want to walk alone.
Running everywhere. Doing everything.
You name it. Ive done it. Sin to a good deed.
Whats next.
Wheres my next trip?
Do i stay do something normal?
Or go again and  catch my dream?
Is it my dream or the dream the world pitches me?
What is my existence?

I am the runaway.
Where will she go.