in him

wont you stop pretending you care

and show me whats really there.

give me your heart and ill give you my all

tired of the lies tired of the games

tired of the hopes leaving me with every new guy

i dont want someone new every year just someone to stick around long enough 

to have a taste of love.

i know ive hurt alot of ppl. I know im no angel. 

and i deserve everything that comes my way. but when is the new day coming for me.

the new beggining the guy to really sit there and know me inside and out. 

share my dreams both pursue something together. work together to better ourselfs and move forward.

wont you stop telling me what you think i want to hear

wont you tell me what you feel whats your fears 

dont think so much dont try and figure me out.

get to know my inside and out.

accept me or hate me.

but dont play with me.

i almost gave you my heart.

but i gave you my trust.

believed everything you told me knowing it might not be the truth.

still trusting you i took your word. 

knowing i could end up hurt.

feeling agian like nothing i do is ever enough

am i doing too much.

waiting for you to respond.

and all you do is avoid it skip the situation and pretend everything is okay 

and ill ignore it and follow you. 

forgive you like nothing happend but you press repeat

and it happens almost every day of the week.

thought i was strong but i must of grown weak.

looking into your eyes falling into your lies.

hoping maybe you were the one for me.

telling you my whole life story.

something not alot of ppl know. 

bringing you around my family something i never do.

how stupid could i be to not see...

you are hiding something from me.

not giving in to me..

you hurt me boy.. or i hurt myself 

 knowing you werent real witj me

transition

I am the gypsy. 

Never one place too long.

New stories and experiences to follow. I always learn something new. I see how hurtful i can be. and how hurtful others can be. as well as deceiving. I am not mad at anyone. Ive made my mistakes and i know what comes to me i deserve. Ive hurt Ive loved. Im human.

No i will not condemn myself to live a life of pain. Yes i will do something with myself. And i will prove all my doubters wrong. I have more heart than most  

Cursed

he tells me to take "idk" out of my vocabulary. but everythings such a blur. i cant see things clearly. maybe i am a lil crazy. i wish things were all good but i seem to make em turn. who knows how many lives ive ruined. including my own loosing my own person to know who knows what ive become. asking me my interests to learn i have none. asking me my accomplishments to see ive only failed. Hurt those Ive come across. nothing to be proud of. No memories to recall a spark of happiness. only the loneliness ive born to myself. a cold heart and selfish acts. Lying to myself saying ima help someone one day. Do something memorable and only cause damage. only hope to be become hopeless. 
cry an endless river and hope the pain floats away. I know what ive done and who ive hurt. he says dont be too hard on urself. but what about those whos hurt ive caused. 
eyes of the one child i love.
blank.
hurt. 
for someone who dosent matter. 
Whats happening to me.
Why do i do the things i do.
Why cant i learn.
so much hate. and shame ive brought to myself. 
and maybe those ive hurt can forgive me but i havent forgiven myself.




I had a dream last night. 
Where my old friend and me got in a fight. i won.
felt bad went back put my hands behind my back and asked her to strike. 
and she wouldnt. she only cried.

i sit here acting like the victim 
bt im the hit and run
i hit them with pain and never return to fix it.
"no puedo dar la cara"


tattoos matching other ppls 
i cant even try to forget 
i look at myself and see myself with them


remember everything
from years before and what could of happend after.


and everything ive passed through i only blame myself. 
i chose my life. 
what ive done. and what i am trying to do.


and "idk" is all i know to say.
idk how to feel
idk how to think
idk how to speak
what to say 
how to act
how to respond 
be funny 
and understand what others are telling me


im lost. im nothing
no interests no hobbies.
hoping to live this life away
live subconsciously not knowing anything

wishing only to run never stay one place too long.
meet new faces 
that will only make more tears. 
create more pain more hate.
 ya maybe im over exaggerating.  
but this is my every day.
thinking feeling 
two things that dont mix.


ive born a curse to myself.
a cold heart with so much love.
but it wont come out right. 
ive bought my friendships.
ive tricked my relationships
lied my way to lust
never really found love.


gueess it was all the times i got taken advantage of.
theres a button the wont turn off
when i hit a certain spot with someone.
the switch goes on and im gone.
feelings totally dismissed.
this is my "relationships"


my friendships.
were more complicated. 
idk why things here went wrong. 
my friends were like family.
and this was my fault.
i hurt those i love.
maybe its the switch.
it secretly goes off.


idk whats wrong with me.
how to fix it.
i refuse help.
its the curse i place on myself.





god please save me

im helpless hopeless reckless loveless restless 
stuck in darkness loneliness hardships 
no friendships relationships
im tired of this.